Passing through London, we met up with the Time Traveller Girls for dinner on Tuesday evening. No sooner had Time Traveller Girl II entered the restaurant than she wanted to know what conspiracy theory I had concocted about the killing of Osama bin Laden.
At that time, new and often conflicting information was appearing every few minutes – or so it seemed – and it was very difficult to make any sense of it but the faked photo, the obvious attempt at spinning bin Laden as a coward (with the story about him using his wife as protection), the improbable DNA story, the exceedingly hasty burial at sea, the story that we should expect to see bin Laden apparently live in some still-to-be-released video and the seemingly staged photo of Obama, Clinton et al watching a ‘live’ video of the kill (that wasn’t) all seemed purpose-made for conspiracy theorists everywhere.
So my answer on Tuesday was just an incoherent mix of possibilities.
But this is Friday and refreshed by a couple of days of Paris in the springtime, I can now divulge what really happened.
Bin Laden is not dead. Let’s face it, for so powerful a man as he was meant to be, bin Laden wasn’t exactly living the dream. No phone, no internet and living in some dusty compound with all the charm of a high security prison block. Where was the big Mercedes with the blacked-out windows? Where was the Learjet? Where were all the pert young women in thigh boots and short skirts and where were the blinking screens for them to monitor? Most of all, where was the cat?
Bin Laden wanted out: but how to avoid the American bounty or escape the murderous followers he would have to abandon? The answer was to ‘die’ at the hands of the Americans. The raid on bin Laden’s ‘home’ was an elaborate plan jointly stage-managed by the US and Saudi Arabia: the US benefits from an earlier end to the war in Afghanistan and some shady arrangement on Saudi oil; the Saudis have one of their own returned; bin Laden gets a new identity and the sort of lavish lifestyle that befits an alleged arch-villain with his family in Saudi Arabia. Best of all, the whole terror schtick cranks up a notch as bin Laden’s hoodwinked followers demand revenge – which is the continuing excuse the British and American administrations need to keep all we proles in our place.
Now you know why there are no photos. Now you know why bin Laden’s body was ‘dumped’ so quickly. Don’t say that I don’t provide you with a service.
It’s so perfect, I almost believe it myself.